New Creation Counseling

When we experience a threat to our well-being, we are knocked into our fight or flight response, our blood pressure rises, our hearts beat faster and our memory and logical thought processes diminish. Our full energy is devoted to staying alive. In these moments, we don't make logical choices, and our reactions become reflexive and defensive in nature. 

When I first opened my private practice, I had four women come to me in the space of three months who all told similar stories. All four of them were packing to leave during an argument, and their male partners were all yelling, blocking doors, and generally continuing to fight as they were trying to leave. All four of them lashed out physically and all four of them went to jail. 

What you need to know is that your job is not to regulate HIS emotions, but to regulate YOURS. When you are in a chronically unstable environment, because of the way your body is built, you will behave in ways that are not within your character. You are not evil or defective; you simply were not designed to hold up under abuse. 2 Timothy 3 warns about the character of others during the time the scripture was written and the principals there are still at work today. 

If we expose ourselves to violence and threats, our bodies are forced into their fight or flight 24/7. Because of this we will react reflexively, but even when we are not in the midst of violence, it will have an effect. Women experiencing abuse may suffer from depression, anxiety, lack of sleep, difficulties with concentration, irritability and dissociation to name just a few.

Your fight or flight response is a God given protection. It is the way your body responds to threats to keep you safe. Its goal is to keep you alive. When you are knocked into your fight or flight response, your blood pressure and heartrate rise, your muscles tense and you may even feel nauseous. In addition to physical sensations you may notice, your logical thought process, executive function and memory are all negatively impacted. You reactions are truly more reflexive and not logically thought out. The concern here is survival.

When you have experienced domestic violence, there are other reactions besides the obvious "fight" or "flight" response that can occur. Sometimes, you may experience a "freeze" response. This can happen when both your sympathetic nervous system and parasympathetic nervous system are activated at once. This causes your body to freeze. You may tighten up and be unable to move, or you may fall to the ground. 

Still another trauma response in abusive relationships is fawning. This is an attempt to diminish the threat by soothing the source of it. Often, this comes at the victim's expense. 

It's important to remember that our responses are not thought out and logical. They are reflexive reactions with survival at their core. 

Unfortunately, in our society, people can be quick to use mental health diagnosis as labels for people they simply don't like or have a conflict with. The term narcissist has become a popular label that has been dangerously overused. To have a clear understanding narcissism, you need to look at the criteria established in the DSM-5, this is the manual used for diagnosis in the mental health community.

 There are nine traits of the disorder as listed in the DSM. The first is a grandiose sense of self. This is not simple self-confidence, this is an exaggerated sense of who the narcissist is as a person. They may exaggerate accomplishments and abilities in a manner that is out of touch with reality. The second is preoccupation with thoughts of their success, perfect love, and achievement of great power or influence. Third, they view themselves as special and unique and feel that because of this, you also must be special, unique or powerful to be able to relate to them. Additionally, narcissist have an exaggerated sense of entitlement. Because they view themselves so highly, they expect treatment from others that reflects their view of themselves. They may view themselves as above the law or rules of society and feel that they don't have to comply with inconveniences and limits placed on other people. Further, a narcissist is exploitive in his relationships. He will take advantage of both personal and professional interactions and relationships for his own gain, with no concern for the emotional harm inflicted on others. This is because of their inability or unwillingness to identify and care about the emotions and needs of others. Because they have such a high need for admiration and inflated sense of worth, they may be quick to be envious of others and expect others to be envious of them. Lastly, they display arrogant and condescending behavior, treating others as beneath them or lesser than.

It is important to realize that someone can display some narcissistic traits and not meet the criteria to be diagnosed as a narcissist. What is more important is to be able to logically and honestly look at the health of a relationship and be able to identify behaviors that are abusive and unhealthy. 

Unfortunately, another complicating factor with Chirstian woman is that frequently scriptures have been twisted to manipulate them into taking more responsibility in their relationships than they should. 1 Peter 3: 4-5 has been widely misinterpreted and misused to encourage women to stay in abusive relationships. They are admonished if they are submissive enough, pray enough or even fast enough, their partner's heart will change. If there is no change, it is because of their own failings or sin, rather than their male counterparts.

No one can force change in another. It is our obligation to live a life worthy of God's calling. The focus of our work is to offer Christian coaching and education that helps survivors to understand narcissistic abuse and domestic violence, the short- and long-term effects of chronically unstable environments and a path forward to healing that honors your faith and how God designed your body to function.